| New Journal |
[Wednesday
March 18th, 2009 @ 12:03pm] |
I keep going back and forth with keeping this thing. Decided to make a new journal for now. Friends only.
Add it:
OHDEARDREA
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| Drea tastes pie |
[Tuesday
March 10th, 2009 @ 2:06pm] |
Vegan key lime pie.
Not much has been going on. Back in Miami. Stitches sticking out of boob..... not supposed to be there. Jerry's breath smells. Cant find job. Don't want restaurant job (unless vegan restaurant). Birthday tomorrow. No plans. Going to West Palm Beach thursday. Dancing with my girls. Beautiful weather lately. Found possibly stray cat. Super friendly. Want. Cant have. Want pedicure. Lacking funds for this or ANYTHING. Had risotto for dinner last night. Delicious. Want to do something creative. Or read. Maybe both. Want more pie.
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6 ♥ comment
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| Two things. |
[Wednesday
February 25th, 2009 @ 12:42am] |
First.
I actually looked at my boob a few minutes ago. I know I took off the bandage today and was able to see the scar but I didn't actually take a good look at what was going on. I have 5 different markings with sharpie on me. 1. My initials where I signed to show that my right side was in fact the side that needed the surgery. 2. The doctors initials, so I could see he knew what side it would be on. 3. One line around my nipple. 4. A like far to the right closer to my armpit. 5. Where my scar is. I realize now the doctor did try to do the surgery where he said he would but it obviously wasn't going to work there. I understand its a large solid lump that requires a big hole to remove and he was going to do the surgery in the location that would be best. I just wish he had warned me afterwards he was going to try two other better areas but it didn't work out. Blegh.
Second.
I feel like I've been broken down so many different times. I really feel like I cant break anymore-- that I physically and mentally cant handle it. Every time something has gone wrong I've managed to pick myself back up again... but this time I just cant see things getting much better and I'm lacking motivation to even try.
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1 ♥ comment
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| Oh I know that I love you, so please throw down your hair. |
[Tuesday
February 24th, 2009 @ 6:46pm] |
I removed my bandages today. I feel a little down about it. It's just not what I expected. I expected something on the side of my breast... not right in front. I expected something much smaller. I should have expected the worst and been pleasantly surprised. I let myself down. The doctor had led me to believe it would have looked different.
Regardless, its there and there's nothing I can do about it. So its fine. And the lump is gone. The MASSIVE lump is gone. Finally. I asked to see it in my drowsy waking up drugged state in the OR..... it was pretty impressive. Large, grey, lumpy. There was more pain then I had anticipated. I thought I would pop a tylenol and be good to go. Ha. No. They gave me a bottle of 35 vicodin. Hate it. Not taking it.
I started birth control a few days ago. Wow, my body hates it. I'm nauseous like never before. I have no appetite whatsoever. I'm hoping my body will adjust soon. It would be so sad to lose all interest in food. I'm going to ask my doctor about possibly changing to an IUD instead.... but I will give this a few more weeks to see if things change. Cooking and food are very important to me. Alex mailed me a package filled with cookies. I've had two. I want more, but I cant get them down.
I also dyed my hair back to its natural color. Ive been trying to transition back to it for a while now. It always fades. I'm sure it will fade lighter again but I am one step closer to normal. I did like the blonde and the light brown, but its just so much work. I like my new-old hair a lot. Too bad I look 18 again.
Two more days until Miami again. Thank god. This return will be a million times better than my last. No tears. No pain. No deceit. Thank god.
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2 ♥ comment
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| I really don't update enough anymore :-/ |
[Tuesday
February 17th, 2009 @ 10:33am] |
I'm in Massachusetts now. Round 3 for my boob. Not very exciting. I've only been here two days and I cant wait to get back to Miami. It's nice seeing my mom and everything but Id much rather be in the comforts of my own home.... or Alex's own home-- whatever. I think this will be like last time where I just tried to get out of here as quick as possible. It is a good thing I'm here though. The lump is starting to get painful and it is def. getting larger. Meh.
Not much has been going on. As far as my New Years goals.... Im still lazy and I still don't take as many pictures as I would like. (Though I do have quite a few to post today). I cant wait for all this crap to be over with so I can finally feel like it's a new year and I have nothing holding me back. Well I hope thats the feeling I will be feeling anyway.
Miami has still been wonderful. Alex is everything I could have asked for. I never really had a type until I met him and now I'm like Oh I get it..... I needed one of you. Honestly, sometimes it makes me feel a little insecure. Art and food were always my thing.... and well they are his thing too. I'm not competitive so it's not like I am trying to be any better than him at any of those things... I just want to be the best I can be.... but I get nervous to do anything in fear it wont be good enough. Over the past two weeks it's gotten better though. He has certain things he is better at and I have mine.
I started writing in a actual journal. I enjoy it... but I also don't update that one as much as I would like. I'm still debating about keeping this journal. I don't want to delete alllll the memories I have updated about, but it would be a mess to go back and make 1,000's of entries friends only. But maybe I will delete it and create a new friends only one. We will see.
Okay, time for pictures. Be warned they are mostly of food and nothing to special.
( Vegan food and others )
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11 ♥ comment
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| 2009. Six simple &attainable goals. |
[Tuesday
January 6th, 2009 @ 1:09am] |
I've decided this year I would like to:
-Start taking pictures again. (Everyday if possible.... or at least weekly.)
-Battle my laziness. (This will most likely be a battle I will lose.)
-Continue being vegan.
-Try to get back into art.
-Adventure more. (More outdoors = bonus points.)
-Stay happy. Get happier.
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9 ♥ comment
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[Wednesday
December 31st, 2008 @ 2:53pm] |
I didn't know what to expect from this past year.
It was interesting.
Lets see where this new year brings me.
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1 ♥ comment
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[Thursday
December 25th, 2008 @ 12:27pm] |
Is Christmas over yet?
LA LA LA. Fa la la la.
It's not that I'm having a bad christmas, its just that I'm kinda sorta possibly the grinch and I don't dig the holidays. I expected to do nothing this week but here I am in West Palm waiting on some family. My mom surprised me this week by letting me know last minute I was going to pick her up Christmas day. So now I am sitting here while my brother is at my dads (blegh), alone- not so bored- enjoying the company of three lovely pups.
This Christmas I received a bottle of beer (brother) and a painting (Alex). I like paint and beer.
I made Alex a bread box.... well I didn't MAKE it... but I did personalize/decorate it.
I haven't been in the best of moods lately, but life has been going pretty darn well. Recently I came to the realization that I am actually very happy Dave cheated on me. Yes, it sucked miserably, and YES it definitely caused me pain, but it was for the better. I could never imagine still being with him, but I probably would still be otherwise. I haven't spoken to him in a while now. The last time I did he told me he only wanted to see me to have sex with me otherwise it was pretty much useless to have me in his life. Nice. He has said some of the most horrible things to me, and its hard to believe I was with someone who would do that. It also makes me feel a little better inside to hear his friends trash talk him. Lol. Mean, I know. (Like I said, I am the grinch).
It's time for me to put some instant mashed potatoes in my belly. I'm a hungry girl.
Happy Holidays everyone!
( Christmas &more )
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3 ♥ comment
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[Wednesday
December 17th, 2008 @ 3:24pm] |
Close your eyes and enjoy your time
because pizza is democratic.
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[Sunday
November 23rd, 2008 @ 2:36pm] |
I am so incredibly happy here. Everyday is getting better.
I went to my house two days ago to pick up some belongings. It was the strangest feeling in the world. EVERYTHING I own was moved into the empty bedroom. EVERYTHING. I knew Dave had been feeling sad seeing my things everyday. He said it was a constant reminder I was gone. I expected artwork and a few knick-knacks to be moved... I really didn't expect the scene I saw. On the upside it should be easier to pack everything?
I've been video chatting like crazy. Its really comforting to see my best friends and my family everyday.
No job yet. Sigh. Soon hopefully? Anything will do.
Alex is baking a bread right now. Mmmm. I cooked for him for the first time yesterday. I was a little nervous about it. He seemed to enjoy it though. He had never made curry before so it was nice to not only cook something for him but also something new.
I have a bunch of pictures I think I may post later :)
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2 ♥ comment
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[Thursday
November 20th, 2008 @ 3:34pm] |
I have been so happy here at Alexs. He goes out of his way to make me feel comfortable. Things are starting to look up for me.
But AHH, I just want to get control of my life back.
I don't know what I'm going to do. Or how I am going to do it. Or WHERE I'm going to do it But I am so grateful for the support I have. Between Lisa and Alex I have had the best support system in the world. Both of them are so level headed and honest its been such a breath of fresh air.
Alex has done everything he can to make his house my home. Fresh made pizza dough from scratch was the way I survived through my sadness. He puts so much time, care, and effort into everything he makes. 3 hours was worth the wait for his black bean soup. But its not just food. Its in everything he does. The first few times I had hung out with Alex I called my mom to tell her about him. I would tell her how wonderful he is and whoever he ends up with is going to be the luckiest girl in the world because he is such a great person. I am so happy to be here.
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1 ♥ comment
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| Friends only. |
[Thursday
November 20th, 2008 @ 12:39pm] |
I'm going to make this journal friends only (for at least a while). I've had enough with certain people snooping around into my life. There's a lot I want to say and write and its not intended for everyone to read.
If you care to know that much just stick around or just ask.
edit:
Meh, changed my mind. I'm still not one to censor myself. Really, who gives a fuck anyway?
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5 ♥ comment
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| AHHH |
[Thursday
November 20th, 2008 @ 12:30pm] |
I've been so busy between weddings, losing my job, flying back and forth to Massachusetts, surgery, break ups, and moving out that I didn't apply to school in time. Fuuuuuuuck. I don't want to wait another semester. I just want to get school over with.
fjkhsjklehgekjbgjfdsh,dbnfz.
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1 ♥ comment
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[Monday
November 17th, 2008 @ 6:58pm] |
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My heart hurts.
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| Be careful what you wish for. |
[Sunday
November 16th, 2008 @ 7:46pm] |
I got the little direction I needed.
I was being lead on. I told myself I could eventually forgive him.
He went out of his way to do everything he knew I loved.
But why?
He told me that he told the girl he didn't want to see her anymore.
I was grateful, but suspicious.
I checked his phone (which I have never done before).
He lied to me.
His message to her was actually more along the lines of:
"I really like you. It really sucks. I just wish she was gone"
It hurts to even think about now.
I have been there for him through everything. I stuck by his side for things that his closest friends wouldn't. Things that I'm sure they will never even know about. I was there. Always. Every moment he cried. Every moment he felt pain. Every moment he needed anything at all. Every moment he needed nothing at all: I was there.
Never again will my heart be his.
He didnt appreciate me. He took me for granted. I begged and pleaded, he didn't care and he cheated. I still cared. I still was the fool to make dinner for him---the same night he told her he wished I was gone.
He made his choice, now I made mine. I left that morning I found out. I'm not crying anymore. I've tried to cry and I cant. I have so much more to write about. Where I am. How I've been. But not yet.
He has yelled and cursed me out whenever he calls. He said he wants me out of the house permanently. (I've been staying elsewhere since I found out, but everything I own is still at the house---minus jerry) He has told me horrible horrible things.
Today was different. Today he called to say he regrets it. But it was his choice to give up everything we had.
I deserve to do what's best for me.
I'm a good person. I deserve a good person.
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5 ♥ comment
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| Well okay |
[Thursday
November 13th, 2008 @ 10:54pm] |
So its benign (YAY!)
I still have to get it removed either way (Booo.)
I am so very much relieved.
I wanted to buy myself a cheap bottle of champagne to celebrate but I could not afford it.
Kitty food is a tad more important.
I just got a text from this kid Chris seeing what I'm up to tonight.
I kind of want to be like "Yesss! Lets celebrate!", but the other part of me doesn't feel like getting all that dressed up.
Maybe tomorrow.
I'm on a job hunt. I really hate searching for jobs. HATE IT.
Whatever, it must get done. I'll take anything I can get at this point.
Things haven't been that bad lately. Dave and I haven't fought at all which is nice. Possibly because he must know what he did was completely awful/wrong/terrible/heartless/etc. I don't know. I don't know what's going on with us. I mean, I don't trust him (obviously). He took away all reason for me to trust him. I don't know if I'll ever have a reason to trust him again. It sucks.
Something good: He really opened up to me about a lot yesterday. It was really nice. I think he's always been scared to because he has been scared of how i would react. Scared I would put him down or be mad or judge him. But I would have never. I dont know why he would even think that about me. Maybe others have done it to him in the past. Idk. You're supposed to be able to trust the people you love. He should know I'm the last person that is going to judge him. I never judge anyone, especially people I love. I think he is starting to see that.
Oh, sigh. I'm confused to how I feel or what I want.
I need a little direction.
But I think at this point I can only get that from him or myself.
La la la.
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4 ♥ comment
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| This is my month. |
[Wednesday
November 12th, 2008 @ 2:30pm] |
Soooo I'm back in Miami.
I'm glad I'm at home.
Everything is a little different obviously,
but not terrible.
BUT the doctor call my mom today (he didnt have my number for some reason)
He gave her some news.
The results from my breast biopsy did not come back yet, but I should get it removed either way because it is abnormal. Not necessarily malignant (that we know of yet), but just not right.
Whatever.
I call him to find out exactly what is going on myself.
Turns out I need another biopsy in my uterus.
And then possibly a leap?
My mom thought I had moderate dysplasia, but its actually severe dysplasia.
Alrite.
He said not to freak out to much, because it's most likely not cancer, but it is severe enough for me to need to get it checked out immediately.
He said if I didn't do anything it would def. turn into cancer in the next few years.
I obviously wont let that happen.
Lets see what life throws at me next.
Breast results tomorrow.
Also (haha) I cried for a good hour and 35 minutes straight on the plane. The lady next to me felt so bad she tried to over me candy about an hour in. I said no and apologized for crying. I cried again at landing. That poor lady. I think I must have given her the most awful plane ride of her life. I couldn't help it, the last thing I wanted to see was Dave's face.
He isnt as cold or terrible as I thought he would be. I think he understand that being cold and stubborn isnt the way to go. Thats just who he is at times. I'm happy he's not right now though. I have a lot on my plate.
You know that its the fool who plays it cool by making his world a little colder.
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1 ♥ comment
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| I have said "miserable" more times than I can count. |
[Tuesday
November 11th, 2008 @ 5:20am] |
I keep replaying their date and kiss a million times over in my head because I dont know how it went. And because I dont know why he would do it to me after all I did for him and with the circumstances I'm going through.
He says he loves me and it confuses my heart. My heart has always believed him but now it knows better and doesnt understand. It knows what real love is. And it knows real love would not do that. (Or would it?) NO.
Its 5 in the morning and I cant sleep. My plane leaves in 11 hours. Today is 11/11. I hear its supposed to be magical. My favorite number also happens to be 11. I feel no magic. Someone came into my old job last month and asked when my birthday was. He told me EVERYTHING about myself. It was like he knew me better than my best of friends or my own family. He told my October was supposed to be my month and this would be my year. I replied "You know what? I believe that. This has been an amazing month and it just be---" He cut me off and said "ACTUALLY no wait, November is going to be your month and next year will be your year". I couldnt wait. November came and I forgot about the old man. While hysterically crying yesterday and trying to figure out why such a thing would happen I started crying out, "This was supposed to be my month!". Dave replied "it just started maybe it will turn around for you". As much as I hate him for that little input.... Especially after he was one of the reasons my month was so terrible--- maybe he's right. MAYBE. I guess anything is better than all this crap. But I would need a miracle turn around for this to really be my month. Maybe the old man was confused. Maybe it was October.
Magical day. Magical day.
I'm so scared for tomorrow. I know I can handle a lot of shit, but oh.my.god. I am nervous. I dont know what to expect. I expected to hug him when I saw him even though we were fighting and even though he wasnt there for me. Now what? He's not even worthy of a handshake. (Not that he would want one anyway). Now what. Now what. Now what. "Hello. How was your flight?" followed by either: 1. Terrible heart-wrenching silence. 2. Pathetic sobbing and questioning from me. 3. Horrible bitter anger and stupid comments from me the whole ride home. Maybe if I am lucky I will be so miserably tired from not sleeping now and from traveling (right now holding my purse with my right arm or hugs even hurt). That it will just be me with my face will be pressed against the window. And I will be all together completely to worn out to cry, to worn out to speak my bitter thoughts, and I will just give up on feeling terrible anymore. Maybe--- one can only hope for so much.
The worst part will be after though when I will be left at home, alone. I cant possibly ask him to not to go the show. And I keep thinking over and over maybe he will at least be decent enough not to go.--- He will be decent enough to stay home and make sure everything is okay for me. But he wont. He isnt that great a person anymore. He isnt even a good person anymore. I'm trying to plan ahead. Maybe its better he doesnt care enough to stay. Maybe it will give me enough time to cry if I need to and enough time to get myself back together. I told a friend I was coming home and I might want to go out tomorrow night depending on the circumstances. She invited me to a movie. I dont want to go to a movie. I dont want to be where he took her on a date. My heart would hurt to much.
I bought new underwear yesterday before I found out about the whole situation. I was talking to a friend after I found out about the incident and she said I need to vampitize (?) my life. I said I didnt understand. She was confused "You're hott of course you know how to do that!!" Nope, not really. She explained I need to make myself feel sexy. I need to do things that make me feel good about myself. I need to wear sexier clothes. I needed to wear sexier underwear. I wish I had known about this feel-better concept before I bought the plaid underwear and the underwear with children looking snowflakes. Maybe I will invest in more lace this week. I have been really wanting to anyway.
I need a good dose of stfu so I stop writing in this thing. I dont want it only filled with bad news. And I should sleep anyway before tomorrow. Dave is going to do everything in his power to make sure I am miserable in my own home. And I need to rest for it.
I still love my smiling flower. With or without his next to mine.
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